Healing the Invisible Wounds.

So much of our sense of disconnect starts early in childhood, when we don't have the safety and security we need. For some, it's physical neglect or violation; for others, it's the lack of emotional support from caregivers or insecure relationships. As kids, if our nervous systems don't feel safe, our bodies learn to shut down or disconnect from overwhelming feelings. This pattern can follow us into adulthood, making it hard to truly connect with ourselves (our feelings) and therefore others.

Our emotional needs—like feeling safe and supported—often aren't met because past generations didn't have the knowledge or resources to create the secure, healthy environments we needed. And many of us may not even recognize the dysfunction in our own upbringings because it wasn't the traditional kind of abuse or neglect. We were raised by individuals who didn't have the education or the awareness that we are exposed to and are learning about today. But these cycles, both emotional and epigenetic, get passed down and can shape how we feel in our bodies and how we navigate our own relationships.

Here is a very relatable example: The Well-Meaning Disconnect

Consider 4-year-old Julia, whose parents believed strongly in "independence" and "not coddling." When Emma would fall and scrape her knee, instead of comfort, she'd hear: "You're fine. Stop crying—it's not that bad." At bedtime, her parents practiced "cry it out" sleep training, believing it would teach her self-soothing. They'd close her door at 7:30 PM sharp, regardless of her tears or calls for them. "She needs to learn to sleep on her own," they'd tell friends proudly.

During emotional outbursts—normal for a preschooler—Emma's parents would send her to her room: "Come back when you can behave." They weren't being deliberately cruel; they genuinely believed they were teaching resilience and independence. To outside observers, they were "good parents" who provided materially and weren't physically abusive.

Fast forward twenty years, and Emma struggles with intimacy and vulnerability. She has difficulty identifying her own emotions and needs. When upset, she isolates herself rather than seeking support. In romantic relationships, she's fiercely independent but secretly terrified of abandonment. She's successful professionally but feels emotionally numb much of the time, disconnected from her body's signals. She doesn't even recognize these patterns as trauma responses—after all, she had a "normal childhood" with parents who "did their best."

This subtle emotional neglect—the consistent message that her feelings were inconvenient, invalid, or needed to be handled alone—taught Emma's developing nervous system that connection during distress wasn't available. Her parents' inability to attune to her emotional needs, despite their good intentions, created an invisible wound that affects her adult relationships and self-concept.

It's not about blaming past generations for how they raised us—they were doing the best they could with what they knew. But to heal from those unmet emotional needs and break the cycle, we need to start understanding these patterns. Healing begins with awareness—recognising the subtle ways our emotional needs went unmet and how those patterns manifest in our adult lives. This often requires brave self-reflection and sometimes professional support from trauma-informed therapists who understand developmental trauma.

The healing journey involves a few crucial steps: First, developing a compassionate relationship with our own pain instead of avoiding it. This might look like learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions rather than numbing or distracting from them. Second, reparenting ourselves by giving our inner child the validation and comfort we didn't receive—acknowledging our feelings as valid and worthy of attention. Third, practicing somatic awareness by reconnecting with our bodies through Mindfulness, Breath-work, Havening or movement Therapies that help process stored trauma. When we notice those familiar patterns of shutdown or hyper-arousal, we can gently bring ourselves back to safety in the present moment.

For parents especially, this healing work becomes transformative when we approach our children's emotions differently than ours were handled. Instead of dismissing tears, we can hold space for big feelings. Rather than enforcing isolation during distress ("go to your room until you calm down"), we can offer calming presence while our child processes emotions. We can validate their experiences rather than minimising them ("I see you're really upset right now" instead of "you're fine"). This doesn't mean abandoning boundaries or discipline, but rather approaching these necessities with connection rather than disconnection.

Reconnecting with our nervous system is key to this healing process. Our bodies hold the memories of past pain and disconnection, so by learning to tune back into our bodies and feelings, we can begin to release old patterns, find safety within ourselves, and create healthier connections moving forward.

It's never too late to break the cycle, we have a choice of how we show up for ourselves and future generations.

Alice