The 90-Second Rule That Changed How I Handle Overwhelm

I used to feel completely hijacked by my emotions. One moment I'd be fine, and the next I'd be spiraling—reacting impulsively to whatever had triggered me, saying things I'd regret, or disappearing into a storm of overwhelm that could last for hours or even days.

If you've ever felt like your emotions were driving the bus while you sat helplessly in the passenger seat, I want to share something that fundamentally changed how I navigate those intense moments.

The Discovery That Changed Everything

I first learned about this from neuroscientist Caroline Leaf, and it completely shifted my understanding of emotions. Here's what changed everything for me: when something triggers you and you have an intense emotional reaction, your body releases stress hormones. But here's the part most people don't know—if you don't feed the emotion with your thoughts, it naturally fades in about 90 seconds.

Read that again. Ninety seconds.

The reason we stay upset for hours or days isn't because the emotion itself lasts that long. We keep it alive by replaying what happened over and over in our minds, feeding it with our thoughts until it becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.

After 90 seconds, any remaining emotion is you choosing to stay in the loop.

The Three-Step Reset

This understanding led me to develop what I call the "Listen, Feel, Choose" practice. It's become my go-to tool for those moments when I feel triggered, overwhelmed, or caught in an emotional storm.

Start by taking a deep breath in for 3 counts as you say "Listen... Feel..." then exhale as you say "Choose..."

LISTEN to any thoughts present. What's your mind telling you right now? Often, our thoughts are running wild with stories, assumptions, and worst-case scenarios. Just notice them without judgment—what narrative is playing in your head?

FEEL what's happening in your body. Where do you notice tension? Excitement? Heaviness? Maybe it's that familiar tight chest, racing heart, or knot in your stomach. Your body holds wisdom—it's telling you something important about what's happening right now.

CHOOSE how you want to respond. Say "CHOOOOOOSE" with a long, intentional exhale (aim for about 7 seconds). As you breathe out, step into the power of deciding how you want to act and support yourself in this moment.

Why This Works

This isn't just feel-good advice—there's real science behind it. That focused 7-second attention activates neuroplasticity, interrupting automatic negative patterns while your brain builds stronger pathways for more positive thoughts.

Your body's automatic reaction happens in milliseconds, and you can't control that first response. But that intense wave of emotion? It passes quickly unless you keep it going by overthinking or replaying the story in your head.

This practice isn't about stopping automatic reactions—they're human, and sometimes they show up to keep us safe. It's about giving ourselves a moment to check in, respond from the present, and act with intention rather than just out of habit.

What Comes After the Pause

Once you've created that intentional pause, you have options. Here are some of my favourites for moving through big emotions:

Choose a positive thought that reflects reality—focus on what actually happened, not the story your mind creates about what it means.

Take yourself for a walk—let the energy move through you naturally rather than trying to think your way out of it.

Connect with someone who gets you—call a friend who can hold space without trying to fix or minimise what you're experiencing.

Ground yourself literally—step outside barefoot and feel the earth beneath you. There's something deeply settling about this physical connection.

Put on a song you love and dance—let your body move the energy through you. Dance like no one's watching because, chances are, they're not.

Try some Self-Havening—gently stroke your arms, face, or hands to flood your body with calming delta waves.

Catch, Challenge, Change

What I've discovered through practising this is profound: I don't have to be at the mercy of my emotions. I'm still human—I still have automatic reactions, and sometimes I revert to old patterns. That's okay. But with practice, I've become way more aware of my mind and body working together instead of being hijacked by whatever's happening.

You start catching negative thought patterns quicker. You notice what's happening in your body before it completely overwhelms you. You recognise when you're in that 90-second window and can choose responses that actually serve you.

It's not instant magic—this is a practice that builds over time. But the shift from feeling controlled by your emotions to having a conscious relationship with them? That changes everything.

The Simple Truth

Here's what this practice has taught me: that moment of recognising "Oh, I'm having an automatic reaction—that's normal. Now what do I choose to do next?" is where your power lies.

Most of the time, we're so caught up in the intensity of what we're feeling that we forget we have choices. We forget that emotions are temporary visitors, not permanent residents. We forget that we can acknowledge them, feel them fully, and then consciously decide how we want to respond.

Try it next time you feel triggered. Listen to your thoughts. Feel what's happening in your body. Choose your response. Notice the power that this intentional pause gives you.

You might just discover, like I did, that you're not nearly as powerless as you thought.

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This practice has become foundational in my own life and in the work I do with clients. If you're ready to explore how conscious response patterns might transform your daily experience, I'm here to support that journey.